Avoiding Swine Flu

Swine flu is an overblown media frenzy a hot topic on the news right now. So, I figured I should write about it.

I once thought swine flu was a disease on pigs were able to catch. That kind of disease was fine with me b/c the more pigs die, the more bacon I get to eat. But then I heard worse news. Humans were getting the disease. But I was a little confused on how. I soon found out that most people caught the disease because pigs, who are known for their bad hygiene, were using public places, such as restrooms, library computers and weight benches, and not wiping them down properly.

After I watched the news I found out that Swine Flu wasn’t just making people sick, it had a much darker side to it. This infection was threatening to raise taxes, assassinate the president, post hateful comments on discussion boards all over the internet. I will not stand for this kind of behavior. I will avoid this epidemic at all costs.

And, b/c I am doing all that I can to avoid contracting swine flu I thought it would only be right to help you avoid it as well. So, here are some tips to keep you swine flu free.

Avoid pigs

Avoid pigs that are coughing and apologizing.

Don’t shake hands or high-five with pig farmers. Fist-bump instead.

Be suspicious of any pig using a public library keyboard and wiping his nose.

It is a fact you can’t get swine flu from consuming bacon. But, don’t eat bacon that a pig or person with swine flu has coughed or sneezed on.

Just in case the previous fact isn’t true… Use alcohol-based hand sanitizers on bacon strips before eating.

Avoid spiders that write words in their webs. Pigs are nearby.

Avoid contact with pigs with sinus congestion EVEN if he says, “Itz guzt allergiez.

Before you eat or drink after any pig, check his temperature and white-cell count.

Turn off the TV and resume your life.